child-rearing

character

• children are wild evil creatures who need to be tamed
  • they're born bad and empty
  • they must learn external set of rules and standards
• you must not "spoil" children
• small children will not remember, when they grow up, what you do to them
• shame, ridicule and physical discipline are acceptable child-rearing techniques
• see Alice Miller's For Your Own Good

health

• children are born with a whole set of traits
  • it is the responsibility of the parents to accept and validate these traits
• children will be healthy if nurtured and not abused
• children are self-absorbed (they've got a lot to process)
  • so they are not as empathic as adults
    • at first they don't even realize they are different from others
  • children must be allowed to be self-centered; they will grow out of it
• children develop empathy as they grow
  • empathy cannot be taught (though it can be modeled)
    • it develops naturally as they learn to see themselves in others
• children need adults to meet their needs until they can internalize the caring adults and thereby become able to
  • meet their own needs
  • soothe themselves
  • develop empathy for others
• meeting a child's needs for safety and boundaries necessitates
  • setting limits on what they do
  • e.g., a 2-year old can't be allowed to play with a sharp knife
• children don't need "training"
• children don't need a "moral education"
• children will naturally become empathic
  • and their moral decisions will be based on their empathy
  • see conscience
• you can't "spoil" a child
  • see Penelope Leach's Your Baby and Child
• shame, ridicule and physical discipline are not acceptable child-rearing techniques
  • they are the root of many psychological problems
• it isn't trauma that does the real damage
  • it's the lack of an enlightened witness
  • who encourages and facilitates the child's processing of the traumatic experience
    • partly by listening without judging
  • see Alice Miller

attachment disorder