codependence

signs of codependence

• passivity when you're around the other
• not knowing how you feel or what you want when you're with the other
• needing to be needed by the other
• giving unsolicited advice
• trying to change the other
• trying to control the other
• trying to get the other to need you by doing more and more for them
• trying to get your own needs met by manipulating the other to meet them
• expecting the other to be able to read your mind, to know what you want when you haven't told them
• manipulating the other, including guilt-tripping
• enmeshment: not knowing where you stop and the other begins
• sympathy in place of empathy
  • sympathy is the equivalent, in the arena of intimate relationships, of the attitude of the landed gentry to their peasants.
  • sympathy implies that one is superior to the other
• taking reponsibility for another's feelings
• e.g., "I don't want to invite ____ but I don't want to hurt their feelings."
• we are all responsible for our own feelings
• "you made me mad"
• no-one can make another feel anything
• enabling
• enabling the other to continue in his addiction
• helping the other avoid hitting bottom
• e.g., covering for a drug-user (calling him in sick)
• does not help the other (or you)

the "cure" for codependence involves

• identifying your true motives
• learning to take care of yourself, to meet your own needs