some people severely abused as children cannot tolerate remembering
their own childhood pain
they coped with their own abuse by
dissociating from their own pain
and, in some cases, identifying with their abuser
(some therapists who work with rapists try to help them get in touch
with how they felt when they were abused as children)
so they cannot allow themselves to empathize with people in situations
that remind them of events from their childhood
helping others
relationships with the disadvantaged
character
Some of "them" deserve our pity; we should help "them".
But "they" must know their place; "they" are not our
peers.
health
Many people who work with the disadvantaged want - consciously or unconsciously
- the disadvantaged to stay dependent on them, because they like the power
- they like controlling others.
there is no "us" and no "them"; we are all in this
together
pity does no one any good; if we can not see ourselves in others we
can not help them
compassion means, literally, "feeling with" another
Even if you have taken care of yourself and sincerely want to help someone,
there's not much you can do to help anyone other than listening (actively)
and mirroring. Advice doesn't help unless it's asked for (and accepted);
what most people in pain most want and need is someone to listen to them
without judging what they are saying - without judging them. You can't
change anyone else, but you can change yourself. And helping yourself is
the best thing you can do for your community.
they believe controlling someone else will make them feel less powerless
people compete with others in order to "steal their power"
responsibility
character
health
responsibility for a child
you assume it the minute you conceive the child
should be assigned to another if you neglect or abuse the child
responsibility for a group
given to you by the group, as a sacred trust
can be retracted
responsibility can't be taught
can only be modeled
judging yourself and others
judgments vs. self-acceptance
character
forcing what is perceived into a model of how things ought to be
health
the internal judge, internalized from one's childhood environment,
is the cause of much unhappiness
try to accept yourself for what you are
judging
character
there's nothing wrong with judging everyone
health
when to judge
when you are faced with an unfamiliar situation or person
when not to judge
when you make a mistake
analyze what happened but don't judge yourself
two kinds of judgment
the judgments we must make for our own safety and well-being
the level of involvement I have with someone determines how much of
his/her character I must judge
the judgments we make which are none of our business
when I find myself making this kind of judgment about a person it is
usually a sign that I am projecting disowned aspects of my own personality
onto him or her
I must continually compare all my behavior to an ideal, a standard
health
absolutes - e.g., perfection - exist only in theory
what standard am i judging myself or others by?
rules and beliefs
character
rules and beliefs are the foundation of a civilized society
health
if i believe in following a rule, am i following the letter or the
spirit of the rule?
are my beliefs rigid?
do my beliefs arise out of fear?
do i believe that the verbal form of my beliefs is the true form?
or do I believe in the possibility of
nonverbal beliefs - beliefs that cannot adequately be expressed in
words
beliefs that adapt to changes in one's life and environment
sacrifice
sacrifice
character
sacrifice is the highest virtue
sacrifice isn't natural - we are all innately selfish - it is an act
of will
health
you can't help anyone else until you've met your own needs
if you are focussing on someone else when your own needs haven't been
met
you probably aren't helping them
you may be focussing on them as a way to escape, suppress your own
feelings
sacrifice doesn't really help anyone, under ordinary circumstances
it breeds resentment in both parties
many people who can not accept their own (healthy) selfishness fool
themselves into thinking that they are acting altruistically when they
are not, when they are actually trying to control others to get others
to meet their needs